Prince In Pieces
Prince In Pieces
Written by Lee Jolleys
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INT. DAVE'S HOUSE - EVENING
We are in the hallway. The front door bell RINGS. MUM, 40's, enters from the living room.
MUM
I'm coming,
I heard you the first time.
Mum opens the front door. GEORGIE, 19, is outside stood with her arm outstretched checking an imaginary watch and shaking her head at the lack of promptness.
Georgie is small blonde hair and has a 'street' sounding SCOUSE accent. She has a pierced lip and is dressed as a 'Drag King', wearing, jeans, trainers, a man's checked shirt with skin-tight t-shirt underneath and a denim baseball cap with her ponytail sticking out of the back of it.
GEORGIE
Ayo Mrs Dave.
Is the boy himself in?
Mum looks Georgie up and down the way that Mothers do when they don't approve of their children's friends and then shouts up stairs.
MUM
David! David, your friend
who's a girl is here.
There is no response from upstairs. Georgie gives Mum a cheeky smile.
MUM
David! I said...
DAVE can be heard from upstairs.
DAVE (O.S.)
I'm comin'! I heard your
foghorn the first time.
Mum moves out of the way and lets Georgie past. Georgie walks into the front room and slumps down in the middle of a sofa.
Dave comes down the stairs looking red in the face. Mum smiles at him and mutters something to herself and exits up stairs.
Dave is 21 but looks around 18 is over 6ft tall but skinny and is wearing a pair of old straight legged jeans and a Cribs t-shirt. Dave looks on edge, worried that his Mum is wondering about the house and that Georgie is going to embarrass him in front of her.
GEORGIE
You had your wank?
DAVE
Yeah.
GEORGIE
Who'd ya wank over?
DAVE
Brandy Taylor.
GEORGIE
Who's she?
DAVE
American porn star wi' big tits.
Georgie nods her head as if to say 'good choice'. Dave looks to the hallway through the corner of his eye.
GEORGIE
I'll have to fantasize
over her one night.
(beat)
Internet or DVD?
DAVE
T'internet.
GEORGIE
Ooh! Did ya hit the screen?
DAVE
Nah.
Mum enters the room with the purpose of simply to keep an eye on Dave and walks towards the kitchen. Dave sits up to attention as Mum walks past. Mum exits to the kitchen. Georgie is smirking at Dave.
GEORGIE
21 and you're scared of your mum.
Dave shakes his head at Georgie. Georgie takes out her mobile phone. Mum enters from the kitchen and heads towards the hallway still wondering around without a purpose.
GEORGIE
I took that picture for ya, Dave.
MUM
I suppose that you and Sara will
be going out drinking again?
Georgie gives her mobile to Dave who shields it away from Mum's view.
DAVE
This is Georgie. I haven't been
goin' out with Sara for ages.
MUM
Sorry, I didn't say it on purpose.
DAVE
Funny, 'cause you never got Sara's
name right when we were goin' out.
MUM
Well, we're not all clever enough
to go off to this university place.
Mum exits. Georgie is still smirking at Dave.
GEORGIE
You love her really.
Dave relaxes and pays attention to Georgie's mobile.
DAVE
Oh, it's pierced down instead of across.
GEORGIE
You get a better sensation that way.
Dave gives Georgie a dirty (as in sex) look.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
We are in the Old Bull pub. We are at a table were NEIL and KATIE are sat. Neil has a pint of lager; Katie has a glass of wine. Neil is 20 but looks a few years older and is unshaven with a couple of week's stubble growth.
He is around 6ft tall and well built although his muscle aren't obviously visible as he is dressed in his usual attire, brown leather jacket, jeans and a t-shirt which is too small for him.
Katie, 17, has made an effort and is dressed in a low cut top with a short skirt and stiletto heels which match her top. She wears a lot of make-up with manicured nails and has a fake-tan.
Katie looks like she doesn't want to be with Neil. Neil puts his arm around Katie's shoulder but Katie shrugs him off her turning her body away from him and looking at the T.V which is playing music videos from the jukebox.
Arctic Monkeys 'Fluorescent Adolescent' is the video with the song on the line of 'The best you've ever had is just a memory and those dreams, weren't as daft as they seem' being particularly poignant to Katie.
Neil picks up his pint and takes a long swig muttering to himself obviously wondering what he is doing wrong with Katie.
Dave and Georgie enter and sit down with drinks in hand. Georgie is in the same clothes as the previous scene. Dave has got changed into a smart casual polo shirt and boot cut jeans which are ripped at the bottom. Both are wearing bright coloured trainers, Dave's are Adidas and Georgie's are Nike.
Neil checks an imaginary watch on his wrist and looks at Georgie with disgust. Georgie blanks Neil. Katie turns back round from the looking at the T.V and smiles at Georgie and Dave trying to move further away from Neil's clutches.
NEIL
You're late, as usual.
Put t'routine all t'cock.
Neil re-arranges his jacket for effect.
DAVE
We're only late 'cause
Georgie was showing me
something on her mobile.
Neil gives Georgie a look similar to that which Mum was giving her.
NEIL
Was she now?
So that's what students do
while I'm graftin' all day.
Georgie shows Neil her mobile phone.
GEORGIE
I've put is as my screensaver.
Neil's eyes bulge out as he looks at the mobile trying to work out the picture.
NEIL
Is that what I think it is?
(beat)
Ney!
Neil shakes his head in disgust. Dave laughs at Neil. The girls' don't find Neil's reaction funny.
NEIL
You've got it pierced
down instead of across.
DAVE
Apparently she gets a
better sensation that way.
KATIE
Let us see.
Neil gives the mobile to Katie who raises her eyebrows when she sees the picture.
KATIE
What's that!
Neil, Dave and Georgie start laughing at Katie being naive.
GEORGIE
Come on Katie,
you have got one yourself.
KATIE
Oh, right. Did it not hurt?
GEORGIE
I couldn't have sex for
six weeks after but its
been worth it since.
NEIL
If you can call what
you have 'sex'.
GEORGIE
D'ya want me to send it to you?
NEIL
While you're doin' nowt.
Katie passes the mobile back to Georgie who looks like she is sending a picture on her mobile.
DAVE
Oh, so you're the type of
lad who only likes lesbians,
when they're sending you
pictures of their pimped
up Morris Minor?
NEIL
Well, she did offer.
I bet that she's shown
you the real thing.
GEORGIE
(still looking at her mobile)
He passed out before I had a chance.
DAVE
I did not!
Georgie nods her head mouthing "he did" whilst still looking at her mobile. Neil grins like a Cheshire Cat and takes a large swig of his pint to celebrate his little victory over his best mate.
GEORGIE
What's your 'Bluetooth' name?
NEIL
Well, I wasn't quite sure
how t'job worked, so I
got Dave to set it up.
DAVE
It's The Jacket.
Neil smiles and re-arranges the jacket in question. Katie's mobile starts RINGING. Katie looks at the mobile and stands up.
KATIE
I've just got to answer this.
Neil tries to kiss Katie. Katie shrugs him off and exits. Neil gives Katie the fingers behind her back. Georgie puts her mobile down.
Neil takes a large swig of his pint and holds his pint up looking at it with genuine affection. Georgie looks at Neil like he is weird; Dave has to stop himself from laughing at Georgie's reaction.
NEIL
What does it mean when you're
avoiding someone's calls?
GEORGIE
I'm gay! What do I know?
NEIL
Be like that then.
Neil finishes the end of his pint. Georgie stands up and takes out an orange from her knickers. Neil's eyes almost pop out of his head. Georgie sniffs the orange.
GEORGIE
I think it's goin' a bit off this.
NEIL
Has it now?!
GEORGIE
Still, it'll be okay to make a vodka
and orange if you want it?
Georgie offers the orange to Neil.
NEIL
Don't talk so daft.
Neil stands up and exits. Georgie sticks her tongue out at him as he goes.
INT. OLD BULL ENTRANCE - EVENING
Katie is stood outside the entrance to the Old Bull talking on her mobile. She is looking annoyed like she is not getting the answer which she wants. We don't hear the person on the other end.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING.
Georgie and Dave are sat at the same table as earlier. Neil enters with a fresh pint.
NEIL
God knows what she's got to talk
about on that phone, all she
does is work in Topshop.
GEORGIE
Work, work, work!
Is that how you judge people?
NEIL
There's ale as well.
Neil takes a large swig of his pint and extenuates his 'ahhh'.
NEIL
I'm just goin' to see how that
pisshouse is lookin' today.
Neil exits. He walks like he has trouble with his piles. He is not wearing a belt so his jeans are slightly falling down and we can see his boxer shorts riding halfway up his back.
Katie enters. She looks relieved when she doesn't see Neil.
KATIE
Where is he?
GEORGIE
Guess.
KATIE
He went twice before youse got here.
Katie looks over towards the male toilets hoping that Neil won't be coming back any time soon.
GEORGIE
Hey, what if he's meeting another
girl at the other side of the pub?
KATIE
Good! I don't like him.
GEORGIE
But you're supposed to
be his girlfriend.
KATIE
No, I'm not!
GEORGIE
Sorry, I just thought...
KATIE
I only met him 'cause I
was on my own.
GEORGIE
What got you talkin'?
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING - FLASHBACK
Katie goes to open the door to the pub exit. We can see another person about to enter the pub. Katie holds the door open for them to enter.
We then see that the person on the other side of the door is Neil. Neil is dressed in his usual attire. Katie smiles when she sees Neil. Neil looks at her like she's weird.
NEIL
Do I know you?
KATIE
Erm, sorry...
I didn't mean to... erm.
Katie covers her eyes with her hand.
NEIL
You was about to leave,
weren't you?
Neil stands to the side so that Katie can exit and subtlety nods his head towards outside.
KATIE
Well, only because this creep
just tried it on with me at the bar.
Neil starts to laugh but she's that Katie's not impressed by this.
NEIL
You on your own?
KATIE
Basically, yeah.
I've had a bad day,
I split up with my boyfriend.
Katie waits for a few words of comfort but Neil looks like he obviously doesn't know what to say.
KATIE
You on your own?
NEIL
I've had a bad life.
I split up wi' my Natalie
six month back.
18 months we we're goin' out.
KATIE
You'll know what I'm
goin' through then?
NEIL
I will aye.
(beat)
She's dead anyway,
as far as I'm concerned.
Katie looks at Neil as if to say 'you can't say a think like that'.
NEIL
I'm not bothered anyway.
I've got my ale and that
gets me through.
Katie looks at Neil like she doesn't know whether to make a move on him or not.
KATIE
Well, I don't see why I
should have to leave just
'cause of one loser.
Fancy joining me?
NEIL
Aye, while you're doin' nowt.
Neil and Katie start walking towards the bar.
KATIE
That guy bought me a drink.
But I chucked it in his face
when he tried in on with me.
NEIL
It's all ale, innit?
Ale got you into it,
ale got you out of it.
Katie looks at Neil wondering what the hell he is talking about. Behind the bar is HOLLY who is stood biting her nails and generally looking bored.
END FLASHBACK
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Everyone is in the same positions as before.
KATIE
And now he's got it into his
head that I fell in love
with him at first sight.
Katie re-arranges her shoulder straps.
KATIE
He phoned me at least a
dozen times last night.
And...
Katie stops when she notices Neil coming back from the toilet. His flies are undone and he has a piss stain on his jeans. Katie notices this and shakes her head.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING.
Neil, Dave, Katie and Georgie are all sat round the table. Katie's mobile phone is on the table she turns the screen to check the time leaving her hand on her phone.
Katie notices Neil staring at her manicured nails and sharply moves her hand under the table out of view.
NEIL
What's up with you?
KATIE
I'm fine. Stop goin' on at me.
Neil gives Katie a look as if to say 'I was only asking', finishes the end of his pint and stands up.
NEIL
Better make room for another.
Neil exits. Katie checks that Neil is out of earshot before she speaks.
KATIE
I need an excuse to get rid of him.
I'm bored out of my head here.
GEORGIE
Thanks!
KATIE
It's not you two. It's him.
He keeps try'na put
his hand up my skirt.
DAVE
He likes a girl in a skirt.
KATIE
I'm gonna buy some jeans then.
What can I do about him?
DAVE
There is one thing,
but it'll cost you a tenner.
Without hesitation Katie takes twenty pounds out of her purse and puts it on the table.
KATIE
I'll have two!
DAVE
Georgie, do us a favour. Go to
the bar and buy a pint of lager
and three shots of vodka.
KATIE
What good is that gonna do?
DAVE
Drink triple. See double.
Go home single.
KATIE
Yeah!
Georgie picks up the twenty pound note and stands up.
DAVE
Just three, don't go over board.
Georgie exits. Dave smiles at Katie not knowing where to take the conversation. Katie doesn't have this problem.
KATIE
He didn't tell you he
slept with me, did he?
DAVE
He don't boast about things like that.
I thought you went back to his though?
KATIE
I did, just to shut him up.
It was the worst night of my life.
INT. NEIL'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
We are in Neil bedroom. The lights are out and Neil and Katie can be seen under the covers having sex. Neil is on top.
KATIE (V.O.)
I was drunk and on the rebound
but that doesn't make it okay.
Katie is looking uncomfortable with Neil grinding away on top of her. Katie raises her legs and tries to arch her back.
KATIE (V.O.)
And talk about missionary position!
I may as well have been in a
straight jacket.
Neil pushes Katie's legs back down and continues grinding away. Katie lies back flat on the bed looking totally fed up.
KATIE (V.O.)
We'd only been at it
two minutes when...
Neil stops grinding.
NEIL
I can't come!
KATIE
What? !
Neil rolls over to the side and starts spooning with Katie.
NEIL
Let's just kiss and cuddle instead.
Katie turns her back on Neil looking too confused to move at what Neil has said to her.
END FLASHBACK
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Katie and Dave are in the same positions as before.
KATIE
I didn't sleep one bit
and had him trying to cuddle
me and kissing my neck.
DAVE
Nice.
KATIE
I thought I was gonna shed my skin
it crawled that much.
Dave shakes his head smiling.
KATIE
Sorry, I bet you didn't want to
hear that about your best mate.
DAVE
It's called 'retarded ejaculation'.
KATIE
What is?
DAVE
When a bloke can't come during sex.
I've heard all the gory details before.
KATIE
Ew. What happened with you and
Georgie then? I thought that she
went back to yours the other night?
DAVE
It was also the worst night of my life.
Remember the 'toy' she fetched out?
INT. DAVE'S BEDROOM - NIGHT - FLASHBACK
We are in Dave's bedroom. The big light is on and Georgie is stood in the middle of the room with all her clothes on. We only see above Georgie's chest. Dave, also fully dressed, is shaking his head looking at her crotch.
DAVE
You're supposed to get undressed first.
We see Georgie's crotch. She is wearing a strap-on dildo. Georgie takes Dave's top off.
GEORGIE
That's one way of doing it.
Georgie gets down on her knees and starts undoing Dave's jeans. Dave stays stood up.
DAVE
(laughs ironically)
You're mad, you are.
Georgie pulls Dave's jeans to the floor and smiles.
GEORIGE
You don't need Viagra, do ya?
Come on, stand side to side.
Georgie stands up and moves to Dave's side.
END FLASHBACK
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Dave and Katie are sat in the same positions as before.
DAVE
She then made me measure my real
thing with her toy thing, but she
wouldn't get undressed or touch mine.
KATIE DAVE
I win! Mines worse!
Pause during which Katie gives Dave a sex look, rubbing her finger around the top of her wine glass. Dave ignores this on purpose.
KATIE
So... Did you measure up to standard?
DAVE
No comment.
Georgie enters with a round of drinks on a tray. There is a glass of wine for Katie and pints for Dave and Neil. Georgie puts one of the pints in front of where Neil was sat.
GEORGIE
I had to drink some of the
lager but it measures up okay.
Just like you breeder boy.
Katie starts giggling.
GEORGIE
What's cheered her up?
DAVE
You've just answered the
question she just asked me.
GEORGIE
He didn't get nowt though!
Katie and Georgie high five each other. Neil enters. He has a fresh pint in his hand.
GEORGIE
Katie's got a round in.
Neil's face lights up when he sees the free pint.
DAVE
Look at his face, he's like a dog
with two dicks. He doesn't know
which one to lick first.
NEIL
The free one. For some reason ale
always tastes better when it's free.
Neil takes a large swig of his pint and extenuates his 'ahhh'. Katie smiles at Neil and makes eye contact with him without scowling for the first time.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Neil is looking drunk. Dave, Katie and Georgie are watching him closely.
The video to The Cribs song 'Men's Needs' comes on the T.V. Neil picks up his pint and proposes a toast to the T.V and takes a swig from the glass with his eyes bulging out as he swallows.
Neil starts singing along to the song extenuating his natural accent, taking the mick out of the Jarman's Yorkshire singing accent.
NEIL
'Has tha noticed, I've never
been impressed by tha's friends
from Nuy York un Lundun.'
Neil is oblivious to the others staring at him.
NEIL
Ales goin' down well tonight.
DAVE
You've earned it.
Neil takes a long look at Georgie looking her right in the eye. Georgie holds Neil's stare without blinking.
NEIL
Are you one of them byes actuals?
GEORGIE
Do you mean am I 'bi-sexual'?
NEIL
I don't care who you buy sex with!
Neil laughs to himself and finishes off the rest of his pint and stands up. Neil starts swaying about.
GEORGIE
No, I don't swing both ways.
Unlike you're doin' now.
NEIL
Don't talk so daft.
I'm doin' nowt o' t'sort!
Neil takes a few steps towards the bar and falls flat on his face. Dave stands up looking to see that he's okay. Katie tuts loudly acting like the let down girlfriend.
Neil manages to push his face off the floor and two BOUNCERS rush over to him and drag him to his feet.
BOUNCER 1
I think you need some fresh air.
NEIL
I'm fine. I can't even tell
I've had a drink.
The bouncers carry Neil out of the pub. Katie and Georgie look pleased with what has happened. Dave looks like he thinks that they have gone too far.
DAVE
You'd better follow him out.
Make it look more authentic.
KATIE
They won't let him back in will they?
DAVE
The guy can't even stagger,
let alone walk.
Katie stands up and exits. Georgie eyes the job up as Katie walks out of view. Dave keeps his attention on Georgie.
DAVE
I don't understand her.
You don't come out with someone
if you can't stand the sight
of them, do you?
GEORGIE
Got wet behind the ears comin' down
in the last shower, did ya?
DAVE
Why you insulting me now?
GEORGIE
She didn't come out to be with him
but because of who he'd be with.
DAVE
You on about me or you?
I saw you checkin' out
her arse then.
GEORGIE
It's alright, ain't it?
DAVE
If you say so.
GEORGIE
I think she wants you.
DAVE
She needs a hero, not a size zero.
GEORGIE
Well, he thinks that he's Katie's
hero but she'd give him 'zero'.
DAVE
What do you want me t'do about it?
GEORGIE
Give her one!
DAVE
Be serious.
GEORGIE
Why not? She's gorgeous.
Dave raises middle finger of his left hand.
DAVE
One, I don't really know the girl.
Georgie ignores the fact that Dave is being rude to her and lets him carry on. Dave raises his index and middle finger of his left hand.
DAVE
Two, it's obvious she's
not over her ex.
Dave raises middle finger of his right hand.
DAVE
And three, because you
don't know Neil, that's why.
Both Dave's hands are pointing directly at Georgie who grabs them and squeezes them forcing Dave to wince in pain.
GEORGIE
Why are you scared of the guy?
Georgie lets go of Dave's fingers who shakes them to relieve the pain.
GEORGIE
You're scared of everyone in your life.
DAVE
I'm not.
GEORGIE
He doesn't own her 'cause he's
bought her a few drinks and tried
to put his hand up her skirt.
DAVE
In his eyes between me
and him he thinks he does.
Look, to Neil, Katie is
his forever and forever.
Katie enters and sits down.
KATIE
What's "forever and forever"?
GEORGIE
Love.
DAVE
Death.
GEORGIE
Marriage.
DAVE
Divorce.
GEORGIE
Wearing the same jacket for better
for worse, till death us do part.
DAVE
(to Katie)
What do you think of his jacket then?
KATIE
Don't get me started on that!
Where did he get it from?
DAVE
His mum bought it for him.
Katie reacts to something at the bar.
GEORGIE
Has he come back in?
KATIE
No worse. My ex is here.
We see the back of two lads, late teens, stood at the bar.
DAVE
Do you want us to give you space.
KATIE
No way!
Dave reacts to something at the bar.
DAVE
Well, that's all I need.
KATIE
What's up?
DAVE
Sara, is also at the bar.
She's with her new fella,
but she always comes over to
check up on me.
GEORGIE
Another person you're scared of Dave?
KATIE
What you on about?
DAVE
She's try'na wind me up.
The battery must be flat
in her strap-on so she's
got nothing better to do.
GEORGIE
Shall we go elsewhere?
KATIE
What if Neil's still outside?
DAVE
It's worth the risk.
They all finish their drinks and stand up.
GEORGIE
You two up for a Gay bar?
KATIE
Sounds like a laugh.
DAVE
Erm...?
GEORGIE
I'll hold your hand.
Georgie starts to walk out of the pub holding hands with Dave with Katie following behind. We see a shot of Sara jealously fixated on Dave. Her boyfriend, Dean, 28, has to nudge her shoulder to get her attention back.
INT. CHURCH STREET - NIGHT
Neil is slumped on a bench on his own. He is struggling to keep his head up and looks extremely drunk fumberling his mobile phone back into his jacket pocket. He is talking to himself.
NEIL
I think I'm pissed!
I'd better get off home t'bed!
Neil tries to stand up but his legs won't hold him and he falls back on the bench. Neil again talks to himself.
NEIL
This job's gotta stop.
Neil manages to get himself to his feet and starts stumbling down the street like a hunchback sneezing repeatedly and wiping snot all over his jacket. The camera stays in a fixed position whilst Neil walks
away.
Any similarities between this and the ending of Charlie Chaplin's The Tramp are purely coincidental.
INT. BLOWING WILD - EVENING
We are in Blowing Wild, which is a gay bar. It is similar in appearance to the Old Bull but has a much more relaxed atmosphere. Georgie enters first, still holding hands with Dave and Katie follows just behind.
There is a bouncer in his late fifties stood on the door. He stops Dave.
BOUNCER 3
You got any I.D please cocker?
Dave takes out his wallet.
GEORGIE
He's 21.
BOUNCER 3
You can't be too careful these days.
Dave hands his driving licence over to the bouncer. Katie takes this as an opportunity to sneak into the pub.
We see a Drag Queen in his 30's who is DJing talk over the P.A to the bouncer about Dave.
DRAG QUEEN
Make sure you make
a note of his address.
The bouncer and the drag Queen wink at each other. Dave smiles over at the Drag Queen. The bouncer gives Dave back his driving licence. Dave, Georgie and Katie start walking towards the bar.
GEORGIE
Don't put your wallet away yet Dave.
Dave takes out a ten pound note and give it to Georgie before putting his wallet back in his pocket. Dave looks around the bar and takes a deep breath.
GEORGIE
You okay, Dave?
DAVE
(referring to Drag Queen DJ)
I'm not gonna faint just because some
mush in his wife's dress talks to me.
GEORGIE
Well, just in case,
go and sit down in the
corner with Katie and I'll
get the drinks in.
Georgie goes over to the bar. We can see her start talking to Holly. Dave and Katie go and sit down in the corner. As they are walking through the pub the Drag Queen can be heard over the P.A.
DRAG QUEEN
(referring to Dave)
There he goes ladies and gents.
G-a-y B-o-y!
Katie has to stop herself from laughing. Dave avoids eye contact with the other people in the bar and sits down in the corner.
DAVE
Come back Neil, all is forgiven.
KATIE
I wonder where he is?
DAVE
He'll be alright.
Probably drunk dialling his ex.
KATIE
What's she like?
DAVE
Who? Fat Nat?
KATIE
You are jokin', right?
DAVE
He's a 'Chubby Chaser' by trade.
You're the fittest girl he's
ever got lucky with.
KATIE
The people you end up with when
you're not thinking straight.
Georgie enters with Holly. Georgie has a pint of lager for Dave and a glass of wine for Katie.
GEORGIE
Before you say anything Dave,
yes this is Holly, the lesbian barmaid
from the Old Bull who you say always
scowls at you.
HOLLY
Pardon? !
DAVE
What did you say that for?
GEORGIE
I'm just tryin' to make you feel
even more uncomfortable.
DAVE
Thanks mate.
GEORGIE
He got I.D'd at the door
and I think that the bouncer
fancied cocker here.
DAVE
I think it's a bit sexist that
he didn't I.D you two as well.
GEORGIE
I've made an impression the few
times I've been in here before.
Holly laugh's knowingly.
INT. BLOWING WILD - EVENING - FLASHBACK
We are in Blowing Wild again. Georgie is drunk and stood on a table with a Harry Enfield style Scouser curly wig and mushtash doing the 'calm down, calm down' actions.
Around the table are four other lesbian girls' aged 18 -21 including Holly who are laughing hysterically at Georgie. Georgie sings the following song to the tune of 'You Are My Sunshine'.
GEORGIE
'I am a Scouser'
'An ugly Scouser'
'I'm only happy on giro day.'
'My mums out stealing'
'My dads drug dealing'
'And I will take your'
'Hub cabs away.'
We cut to the Drag Queen who is DJing again who speaks over the P.A.
DRAG QUEEN
Don't steal 'em tonight love,
I'm hopin' to drive up to Blackpool
in a bit to pick up a rent boy.
END FLASHBACK.
INT. BLOWING WILD - EVENING
Everyone is in the same position as before.
DAVE
(to Katie)
You got any antidotes to beat that?
KATIE
I've not had enough life
experience, still being 17.
The other all look at Katie shocked.
HOLLY
It's okay, I'll still serve you
if I see you in the Old Bull.
(to Dave)
I won't serve you though!
GEORGIE
Good! He needs to get a life and
get away from all the losers who are
draggin' him down in there.
HOLLY
Oh, you're that pissheads with the
jackets mate. God he's sad.
KATIE
That's Dave's best mate
you're talkin' about.
GEORGIE
This is Katie. She had a bit of a
thing with a certain pisshead.
KATIE
I was on the rebound!
HOLLY
If you want my advise.
GEORGIE
Changed my life this advise.
HOLLY
Don't let it get to you, pierce your
clitoris and buy a vibrator.
GEORGIE
You'll have the best orgasm
you've ever had.
KATIE
Um... I don't know.
HOLLY
Don't worry, I'm not tryin'
to convert you.
GEORGIE
But what a conversion it would be.
Katie laugh's nervously. Dave is starting to relax now.
Pause whilst everyone takes a sip of their drinks and listens to the Drag Queen who is doing his own spoof of the Fugees song 'Killing Me Softly'.
DRAG QUEEN
(Sings beautifully)
'Strumming her bean with her finger.'
'One time.'
'Flicking it faster and faster.'
'Two time.'
'Goin' in deeper and deeper.'
We see a male, DALE, 21, go into the male toilets.
DAVE
I never knew that he was one.
The Drag Queen continues to sing the song in the back ground.
GEORGIE
One what?
DAVE
That lad who just went
into the toilets then.
KATIE
My friend Gemma fancies him.
DAVE
I'm sure he had a girlfriend
when we were at school.
HOLLY
Are you tryin' to say that because
he's in a gay bar you automatically
think that he's gay?
GEORGIE
You know, he probably thinks
the same thing about you.
DAVE
He can do. We never got on.
We see a woman in her 30's go through the same door to the toilets.
DAVE
Wait a minute, that woman's
just gone in the same bog!
HOLLY
They're polysexual.
DAVE
You mean that woman can see your bits?
GEORIGE
(shakes her head)
It was easier to educate Rita.
HOLLY
They're all cubicles.
GEORGIE
Dave, lesbians aren't Size Queens.
HOLLY
Not all gay bar's have toilets
like that, this ones special.
Dale alights from the toilets. He stops in his tracks when he notices Dave but does not speak to him. Dale goes over to the bar and starts talking to another male in his early 20's.
HOLLY
Well, he certainly remembers you.
DAVE
It's okay for you.
Most of my mates are like Neil.
GEORIGE
Most of us have sense not to
have mates like Neil.
DAVE
I'll have to put up with comments
like 'what bus did you catch
tonight Dave? The other one'!
Followed by raucous laughter.
GEORGIE
Oh, stop bein' so straight!
The girls' laugh at Dave.
INT. TAXI RANK - EVENING
We are in a taxi rank. Already in the taxi rank are Sara and Dean who are sat with nothing to say to each other. Dave and Katie enter the taxi rank laughing and joking.
Sara suddenly takes hold of Dean and starts kissing in him when she sees Dave. Dave does not react and goes and orders a taxi. There is an Asian CABBIE sat in the control room.
DAVE
(to cabbie)
Taxi to Sherwood please.
The cabbie behind the counter just indicates for Dave to sit down by casually flicking his hand. Dave goes and sits down with Katie opposite Sara and Dean who are still kissing.
KATIE
How long's it gonna be?
DAVE
(flicks his hand)
Can you not speak cabbie?
That means 10 minutes.
KATIE
I'll hold you to that.
If it's any longer you can pay for me.
The cabbie behind the counter shouts out.
CABBIE
Taxi for Brookfield.
Sara and Dean stop kissing and stand up. Dean has to crouch attempting to cover his erection.
SARA
Come on lover, time to go home to bed.
Sara gives Dave a sly look as she leave the taxi rank. Dave does not react.
KATIE
Wasn't that your ex?
DAVE
Yup.
KATIE
Was that performance all
because we came in?
DAVE
Probably wanting to see my
jealous face. D'ya like it?
Dave pulls a silly grin.
KATIE
Bit over the top, weren't she?
DAVE
It's been a few months since I've
walked out of a taxi rank with a
stonk on.
KATIE
Dave!
(beat)
Well, I thought he had too!
DAVE
Hmm, I thought you was lookin'.
KATIE
I doubt that he's gonna be offered
to have a plaster cast made of it
to make a vibrator!
DAVE
You never know, they come in all sort
of shape and sizes.
KATIE
Wouldn't know. I don't even have one.
DAVE
Well, what was all that you were
sayin' to Georgie and that Holly?
KATIE
I didn't want to seem naive.
Wouldn't mind one though!
Katie laughs dirtily. Dave looks embarrassed.
DAVE
You know where to get 'em.
KATIE
I can't go in one of them places.
What if somebody sees me?
DAVE
Don't look at me like that.
I ain't gettin' one for you.
Katie puts her head on Dave's shoulder.
KATIE
(childish voice)
Pwetty pwease!
Katie starts rubbing Dave's crotch.
INT. SEX SHOP - DAY
We are in a sex shop. Dave comes up to the counter with a boxed vibrator in his hand. The shop assistant is LUCAN, 21.
DAVE
Just this please.
LUCAN
(Scans box)
That's 29.99 please.
Dave hands over 30.
LUCAN
Would you like it gift wrapped?
It's no extra charge.
DAVE
May as well. If you'd believe me
that it's for a friend.
LUCAN
Would you like to open a store card
with us? You save 15% on purchases.
DAVE
Nah. 15% is not worth the embarrassment
of havin' to come in here.
EXT. FLAG MARKET - DAY
Katie is sat on her own on a bench. She has a bag from a mobile phone shop with her. Dave enters with the bag from the sex shop in his hand. Katie starts laughing when she sees Dave.
KATIE
I can't believe you got it for me!
Dave tries to give the bag to Katie who shrieks and covers her face with the bag which she has.
DAVE
There you go.
KATIE
Dave, don't!
DAVE
What you freakin' out for?
KATIE
Well, you know?
DAVE
It's in a bag. What you gonna be
like when you get home?
KATIE
Keep your voice down.
DAVE
No-one knows what I've got.
KATIE
Did you get the one I wanted?
DAVE
Yeah.
KATIE
Good idea of mine that, weren't it?
DAVE
You know it cost me 50p
to send a picture message.
KATIE
So?
DAVE
Well, I send you pictures
of five... things.
And you go and choose the
first one in the end.
Pause. Dave and Katie sit watching people walk past going about their daily business. Dave is particular amused by a couple in their early 20's.
The man is short and thin, his girlfriend is tall and fat. The girl has the man is a virtual bear hug whilst the man tries to put his arm round the girls waist but it only reaches half way.
KATIE
How big is it?
DAVE
How big it what?
KATIE
The... thing.
DAVE
Have a look for yourself.
Dave takes the gift wrapped vibrator out of the bag. Katie runs away screaming. Dave stays on the bench laughing.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Neil is sat on his own at the bar reading a newspaper. Dave enters on his own and joins Neil at the bar who is half way through a pint.
DAVE
O reet?
Neil looks up looking totally sober and almost human. Dave looks relieved. Dave scans the bar, CLAIR, 18, is serving another customer.
DAVE
Looks like there's a new barmaid.
What do you think of her?
NEIL
Wouldn't say 'no'.
Clair comes over to serve Dave. She speaks really enthusiastically.
CLAIR
Hiya guys! What can I get you?
DAVE
You know, you can't beat a friendly
face behind the bar.
(to Neil)
What do you think?
NEIL
Aye, if you say so.
CLAIR
Thank you. I'm Clair by the way.
Dave profiles Neil like an antique dealer would do at an auction for a piece of fine China.
DAVE
This is Neil.
Neil re-arranges his jacket again.
DAVE
He lives here every weekend, with
the weekend starting about Wednesday
and finishin' about Tuesday.
NEIL
Don't talk so daft!
(thinks about what Dave said)
Aye well,
may be you're not far wrong.
DAVE
He drinks lager by the pint and
would like two of them.
CLAIR
Pleased to meet you.
NEIL
Are you now? !
DAVE
Real lady killer, ain't he?
Clair goes off to pour the pints looking at Dave through the corner of her eye as she does.
NEIL
Do you have to do that?
DAVE
Hey, if I'm cramping your style
I'll leave you to it.
Dave starts to walk away from the bar.
NEIL
No need for that. I'm out with you,
not anyone else.
Dave comes back to the bar. Clair enters with the two pints.
CLAIR
That's four pounds twenty please guys.
Neil and Dave both give Clair a 10 pound note.
CLAIR
I mean for both. Not each.
We're not in London!
(laughs to herself)
DAVE
We always pay separate.
NEIL
You'll get used t'routine in a bit.
Clair exits to the till.
Pause whilst Neil and Dave both take a sip of their pints and weigh up Clair as she sorts the change out at the till.
Clair returns with the change. She has the two sets of change in each hand. One hand has a five pound note and the other has just pound coins.
Clair
(to Dave)
That's seven pounds ninety change.
(to Neil)
Sorry, don't have
enough five pounds notes.
Neil scowls at Clair. Dave shakes his head at Neil.
DAVE
I think I've got your change mate.
NEIL
I think you have,
she's tryin' to Jew me.
Neil and Dave swap change. Clair stands stirring at Neil's pettiness before going to serve another customer.
DAVE
I think your in there.
Or are you savin' yourself for Katie?
NEIL
I couldn't care less what she gets
up to tonight.
DAVE
I think you could mate.
Neil takes a sip from his new pint and pours the remains of his old pint into it.
NEIL
There's half a swig left in that.
Saves wasting it.
Dave shakes his head smiling at Neil.
NEIL
At least you're on time tonight.
What bus did you catch?
DAVE
Why'd you ask that?
NEIL
Where'd you take in last night?
DAVE
Who've you been talkin' too?
NEIL
No-one. I've been at work all day.
I've had a fair day.
DAVE
Well, it's Saturday tomorrow.
Day of rest.
NEIL
More like day of ale.
I felt rough this mornin'.
I must have had a bad
pint last night.
DAVE
(looks away guiltily)
NEIL
It was one minute to eight
before I clocked on this morning.
DAVE
That's some nice timing there.
NEIL
No matter how rough I am I won't
duck work 'cause of ale.
DAVE
Well, proper men don't.
NEIL
I thought that I'd be the
last to clock on but then
I heard Warren stumbling
down the corridor.
You know Warren, don't you?
DAVE
Pisshead who talks to himself?
NEIL
Aye, that's him!
He clocked on two minutes
late this morning and he
was away as soon as that
clocked ticked over to five.
DAVE
My lecture got cancelled so
I had a free day.
Neil scowls silently at Dave as he doesn't approve of him being at uni.
NEIL
I'd better just make water while you
keep an eye on that barmaid for me.
Neil exits. Dave looks down the bar at Clair who smiles at him.
INT. OLD BULL - EVENING
Neil is sat at a table with Georgie and Holly. Holly is in her work uniform and eating a plate of chips. Neil is drunk.
NEIL
Gay bar? ! Dave ain't never
been to no gay bar!
GEORGIE
Yeah he has.
Last night with me and Katie.
Dave enters and sits down next to Neil. Neil moves over further away from Dave.
NEIL
Don't get too close.
I'm not like that!
DAVE
What's she been sayin'?
NEIL
Says that you took in
a gay bar last night.
(shakes his head in disgust)
DAVE
Yeah, it was alright.
NEIL
Ney! You don't know what
goes on in them places.
DAVE
Well, you won't until you
actually visit one.
NEIL
You won't get me
anywhere else but here.
(straightens up his jacket)
HOLLY
What if they change this place?
NEIL
Then I'll protest. Proper man's pub this.
Always has been. Always will be.
GEORGIE
Katie not out with you tonight?
What Neil says is subtitled on screen showing what he is actually thinking.
NEIL SUBTITLED
Ewe was startin' gettin' Katie was annoyed that I
hard work after a week, so called her so much she's
I've decided to ignore her. changed her mobile number.
I'm better off outta job. I'm gutted,
I really fancied her.
Dave laughs at Neil. Holly and Georgie look at each other like they haven't got a clue what Neil has just said.
GEORGIE
You take her home last night Dave?
NEIL
You took Katie home? !
DAVE
We shared a taxi.
I saw her when she was on
her dinner at work today.
She took your advice Holly.
NEIL
Can you lot not leave well alone?
She was a nice little lass until
you got your fishy mits on her!
GEORGIE
If you know so much Neil,
what advice did she take?
NEIL
Ney.
HOLLY
What does that mean?
GEORGIE
I don't speak pisshead!
NEIL
Ney! I'm mad as Don!
Neil exits with a third still left in his pint to the bar. Holly and Georgie laugh at Neil's waddle. Dave looks like the joke isn't funny anymore.
Dave is approached by GEMMA and ALIX. They are both around 18. Alix has large breast which are out on display and wears an engagement ring. Alix puts her left and hand on Dave's shoulder.
ALIX
Excuse me. Are you Dave?
Georgie looks up at Alix like she fancies her.
DAVE
I prefer 'Pissheads mate'!
GEMMA
Is 'Pisshead' who we call 'Showbiz'?
DAVE
Who's 'Showbiz'?
ALIX
Brown leather jacket.
Pint in one hand, paper in the other.
DAVE
Yeah, we're talkin' about
the same person. I'm Dave.
ALIX
We're Gemma and Alix, Katie's mates.
GEMMA
She's sent us a text sayin' that
she's not comin' out tonight.
ALIX
She says that she feels the best
she's ever felt before and it's
all thanks to Dave.
Neil enters with a full pint. He is struggling to stand up straight and is spilling the pint all over the floor. We see his flies are open and he has a piss stain on his jeans.
NEIL
What do you two want? !
GEMMA
You what?
Alix gives Neil a proper dirty look.
NEIL
Little shit stirrers', you two.
Fill Katie's yed wi' rubbish.
Neil taps the side of his head with his hand which is holding the pint, spilling about a quarter of his pint all over his brown leather jacket.
ALIX
Are you drinkin' that pint or waterin'
the fungus on your jacket with it?
NEIL
I'll water your yed wi' it, in a minute.
Alix gives Neil a look to as if to say 'go on, try it'.
GEMMA
Alix, come on.
Let's leave 'em to it.
Alix and Gemma exit. Neil sits down, looking pleased with himself. Georgie looks totally dejected that Alix has gone.
NEIL
I saw the buggers off.
You don't want to get
mixed up wi' that job.
HOLLY
D'ya even know who they are?
DAVE
I'm sure if I was a real man I'd go
after 'em and try an' chat 'em up.
GEORGIE
(stands up)
Right, I'll leave you women too it.
How do I look.
NEIL
Horrible!
GEORGIE
Cool. I'm off on the pull.
Don't wait up!
Georgie exits with a spring in her step. Neil tries to take a swig from his pint but ends up spilling it down his chin.
EXT. CHURCH STREET - NIGHT
Dave is walking alone down the street. He sees Georgie sat on a bench on her own and goes and joins her.
DAVE
Where's the lass wi' big tits?
Georgie takes hold of Dave hand and starts stroking it.
GEORGIE
Gone home with the fiancée with
a real dick.
DAVE
She's engaged? !
GEORGIE
Did you not see the rock on her finger?
DAVE
Oh, were you looking at her fingers
to see if she was hung? !
Dave moves his index and forefinger back and forth indicating 'fingering'. Georgie digs him in the leg.
GEORGIE
I wouldn't let her anywhere
near me with them nails.
DAVE
Ow! Where'd you learn t'punch straight?
Georgie threatens to punch Dave in the leg again. Dave moves his legs out of the way.
DAVE
Is it home time yet?
GEORGIE
We're students, it's out duty to be out
till at least six in the mornin'.
DAVE
You're the boss.
GEORGIE
The alike gone home?
DAVE
Yeah. He was just agreein' with the
bouncers then that he would be a good
idea if he did.
Dave sighs heavily again and leans back on the bench.
GEORGIE
What's up?
DAVE
I'm just thinkin' what if I'd have
followed you before when you went
after Katie's mates.
GEORGIE
I thought you would have done.
DAVE
I might not have pulled but it'd have
been better than sittin' wi' Neil
all night.
GEORGIE
Takin' it up the arse with a strap-on
and without any lube is better that
sittin' with him all night.
DAVE
(ignores last comment)
And I'm just thinking if Katie would
have taken up my offer of watching each
other masturbate tonight seen as though
I bought her a vibrator today.
Georgie looks up at Dave surprised.
GEORGIE
Dave! Is that what you're into?
DAVE
(shrugs his shoulders)
Might be.
GEORGIE
Aren't you kinky on the quiet!
END OF EPISODE.