Lateral Thinking
Written by Ian Duhig
(Trad)
When jack met Bob at The Philharmonic
from shopping once they called each other ‘la’,
the weather shit, their meeting a tonic
and exchanged all the news weird and wonderful
from their adventures in the Labour pool.
Jack had none so Bob made a dance and song
about some course the broo had sent him on-
he’d been learning to think l=a=t=e=r=a=l=l=y
And asked his pal to let him demonstrate.
The glass bowl Jack just bought: it held-not air
in goldfish-shapes but that day at the fair;
the coconuts countersunk in their tees,
ballooning faces of a woman, boy;
then all the rings Jack threw and how impressed
she’s been at his last unfungal koi-
he warmed again. For that night so, Bob guessed,
Jack wouldn’t have needed to masturbate.
Stunned at the reduction of his love-life
to a goldfish-bowl in a goldfish-bowl,
jack blundered into The Hope and Anchor
told Bill the barman who had to be told
over and over, again and again
till Jack snapped: “I’ll demonstrate. I’ll explain.
Have you got a goldfish?” Bill scoffed, “as if!”
“There you go!” Jack nodded, “you’re a wanker.”